Hi, I know it says that I’m Madelyn posting this blog, but it’s actually Tyler this time. I was updating our website to reflect some of the changes that we have experienced since adopting Milo. As part of that I came across our blog posts. As I was reading through them I decided that I wanted to share a blog post with a poem I wrote a little earlier this year about a part of our adoption journey.

This poem is something I wrote on the 1 year anniversary of the day Milo was placed with us. I tried really hard to keep a journal throughout the time leading up to when we finally were able to adopt Milo, but I never actually wrote about that night. Every time I tried I had a really hard time writing down my thoughts and feelings. There was too much to unpack. I definitely felt feelings of love and gratitude, but I was also overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and uncertainty. And if I’m being honest those negative feelings are the ones that took center stage in my mind on that particular night. I honestly think the reason why they weighed so heavily on my mind that night was because they scared me and surprised me in a way that I wasn’t expecting.

As I have reflected on that night over and over again during the past year and a half I have been able to unpack a lot of the things that I was feeling and thinking. I think it has also caused me to reflect quite a bit about the thoughts and feelings that Milo’s birth mom and dad were experiencing. I realize that I will never (and can never) understand what it was like for them that night, but trying to put myself in their shoes has only increased the love and gratitude that I feel for them and their families. After a year of reflecting on that night I finally wrote down some of my thoughts and feelings in this poem. I hope that what I’m trying to convey happens through these words, but I honestly don’t know if words can express it in the way I hope to.

Ultimately what I am trying to say is that I will forever be grateful for the incredible sacrifice that Milo’s birth parents made for him that night, for the love that they felt for him, and for the trust that they placed in us to give him the life that they wanted him to have. I will do everything in my power to help him know and understand how loved he was and is by all sides of his family, birth and adoptive, and how it all started because of the love that was shown to him by his first loving mom.

His First Loving Mom

Tyler Smith

One of the most Christ-like things I have ever witnessed,

Was his mother at birth placing her child with us,

I don’t mean to dismiss all of her suffering and pain,

Because in our house, we will forever honor her name,

I remember watching her with tears as she held him so tight,

As she was crying— no— weeping, on that heart-wrenching night,

This was the decision that she felt she needed to make,

But in her heart, she wondered if it was all a big mistake,

She had carefully weighed the options and had decided what was best,

But it still felt as if we were ripping the heart straight from her chest,

It’s true in a perfect world, that she would raise him as his mother,

So imagine the heartache she felt as she handed him to another,

And as we walked away that night I was weighed down with guilt,

This isn’t what I expected to feel when looking at the family we built,

I held his tiny hands, and looked in his tiny blue eyes,

And tried to whisper words of comfort as he let out his soft cries,

I wanted to be consumed with unspeakable joy,

As I held, for the first time, my sweet little boy,

And I felt it, it was there, but it was masked by the fear,

So I prayed in my heart, O God, are you near?

And what happened next filled my soul with true healing,

Peace, joy, and love, were the things I was feeling,

The Lord knew exactly the situation I faced,

And He knew my wife, my son, and his mother who placed,

He knew it would be hard, but He was there from the start,

This was my son! So much love filled my heart,

He was proud of the decisions that we had been making,

He was proud of his birth mom, and He would be there in her aching,

So now I sit here thanking the Lord for his blessings,

And at the same time, I plead to heal her from sufferings,

I plead for more strength, and promise my best,

As I think of His love, weight lifts from my chest,

I promise to love him, to serve, and protect,

I promise to teach by example, and show him respect,

I promise to teach him about where he came from,

About the love that was shown from his first loving mom!